where did i go wrong....

my life in 08

the 10th

funny how...
there's a certain pen that i dont like now,
there's these particular candies that i despise,
and there's a specific memory im dying to kill

roses aren't so red anymore, and i prefer daisies and lilies now...
chocolates aren't that sweet, i love the dark ones now..
bears and boxes are things that makes my room smaller now..
if i can just kill these memories....

time must've took a vacation in my life
the ticking clock is making forgeting harder than before

His love and probably He's cheering me up...

i was guilty because he was showing how hurt he was...i felt responsible and i am mad because i can't accept the fact that i can do that to someone... he did hurt me too but i was more focused in the idea of him hurting because of me..well partly because of me, others would say its not my fault.. i blame myself why he's hurting.. have i handled the situation well enough, have I consulted God, things must have turned differently.

i felt defeated. i wasn't able to handle my job well enough. my pride was getting in the way of things. i felt like a loser having to quit. i felt bad not being able to achieve a target, a goal. i hated myself for being weak...

i was crushed. i lost a battle with someone i'm not supposed to be fighting with. they're family. harsh words were thrown in my face and to the people i love and i blame myself for all of it. i hate myself. if again, i handled the situation well enough, none of these will happen.

then finally, I gave up... it was the time where no one can help me anymore.. except GOD. i realized how i was covering my ears all along with His words of comfort, wisdom and fogiveness...

i cried....i was so sorry... im ashamed... then im comforted...

and now i realized im starting all over again...

and i have to forgive myself too...

it was all too sad... and maybe God saw that and had to made me laugh too...

last thursday, i went with a friend in a church she's attending... before the service started, the worship leader encouraged everyone to shake hands and greet one another...i said hello to the people beside me...i got surprised when someone named f-----s shook my hand and introduced himself to me... my friend laughed.. because the guy only said hello to me and not to any of my seatmates... and of all the names.. haha! it was just maybe God is saying.. "anak, o.. tama na.. let him go.. let it all go..have fun.. " and i laughed... i laughed with a heart new and refreshed...

kapangalan... haha.. kapangalan.. natawa po ko dun God.. and i'll listen na po talga.. :)

Psalm 139:14 (New International Version)
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

yey!

salamat po kuya homebody hubby!!!

wohoo!! may award na may candle of friendship pa.. ayos!!



binibigyan ko din nito sila...

fjordz!
kookoo!!
at G. Lapis!!

learning the hard way

sometimes,

we think too much of the past that we forget about the present...
we live our lives so hard for a future full of uncertainties that we see less of what is happening at present.

we like the idea of some things so much that it hides that bitter reality of uncertaities and mistakes...

we only see things that we wanted to see... we blind ourselves to what displeases us.. i do that a lot lately...

and so..

for the nth time, i have to learn things the hard way.. again..

.. maybe you never were friends in the first place
...maybe you chose the wrong course in college
..maybe you trusted the wrong friend
...maybe you just have to accept things and move on..

yes, i'm learning things the hard way again...

almost there...

joy in my heart.. I've got joy.. j-o-y..

haha.. no i don't have joy but i'm getting there... thank God..

leting bygones be bygones is not easy but one "friend' did it.. how can i not..

so yesterday, before i went back to manila.. i met with some of my older friends..

as we discussed life over donuts and coffee... slowly, i felt the j-o-y creeping back in my heart again..

my friend said loving something and someone involves not only our feelings but our choice.. yes.. our choices play a big part our lives...

my choice.. your choice... when we decide impatiently.. we get bad reviews amd consequences.. but spometimes even if we think about it for the longest time.. we stil get bad eggs in the end..

so how do we make the right choiice..

i can imagine them again.. they all said.. "through God's wisdom.."

of course! yes. in Hima lone do we get the perfect answer to our every question...

and so... on my way back to the busy husstles and buzz of the city life.. i affirm in His promise of j-o-y in my heart...

oh yes..

and so i sing... in my own version!


I'll have joy down in my haert.. deep deep down in my heart..

jesus gives it to me.. and no one can destroy it... WHHHOOPS!

I'LL HAVE JOY DOWN IN MY HEART.. DEEP DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART!!!


hugs!!

ps..

to the man behind the smile.. if ever you stumble on this..

THANK YOU... cheers to the new chapters in our lives.. NEW chapters...

fear factor ... jezreel version.. hehe

nasubukan mo na bang matakot?

malamang oo...

ayon sa pinagaralan namin nung kolehiyo pa ko.. mahigit sa isang daan ang tinatawag na "phobia" ng madaming tao...

kagabi nanood ako ng "fear factor" at marami nga naman doon ay hahamon sa lakas na loob.. iniisip ko yuloy, saan ba ako natatkot?

bigla ako nakatanggap ng sms galing sa pinsan ko.. ayun! alam ko na kung ano kinatatakutan ko..

hehe.. di si pinsan o ang celphone.. ang weird pero natatakot ako sa "kamaganak' ko.. oo.. pag pinaguusapan ang pinsan, o aunti o uncle.. napapatahimik ako...

magisang anak lang ako.. naalala ko, nung nakaraang linggo, may nangyari sakin at pinagtanggol ako ni inay at itay... e sabi ko wag na nilang gawin.. ok lang ako.. (kahit di naman) oo, si "kamaganak" yun napagsama ng loob ko...

bata palang ako.. natatakot na ko sa mga yun.. para silang mga 'boss" sa kumpanya na dati kong pinagtratrabahuhan.. dapat ko din silang pagsilbihan... oo siguro onligasyon ko yun.. pinagsisilihan ko ang magulang kasi mahal ko sila at nararamdaman ko.. pero si aunti at uncle.. hay juice ko.. apple juice kalamnsi juice ko po!

pag sila naaalala ko.. madami akong naaalalang di kanais-nais na bagay.. grabee.. para bang matutulala ko tapos maalala ko din yun scene sa time zone.. tadadadadan... basta...

ayun yun pala siguro phobia ko... having contact with a relative.. lalo na uncles and aunties.. para bang kakainin nila ko kasi ng buhay kahit di naman..

ay.. at saka pala sa mga overpass na yun hagdanan butas butas.. medyo naiilang ako dumaan dun..


kahit na may mga "phobia' ako... ok alng naman.. wala naamng imposible kay God e.. aalisin nya yun..

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strenth.. ika nga sa bible..

kaya sige na.. bukas haharap na ko sa mga hurado na binunuo ng angkan ng aking ama.. aka aunties.. apol juice ko po.. nakakakakaba!!!!

a romantic flick

who loves fairy tales????

i DO!

lately while bumming around i was inspired to write one..

and so the story goes like this.....


one fine day.. in the magical kingdom of forEVER.. lived LADY . She is surrounded by her good and loving friends...She lives with her stepmother and 3 step sisters... she works for her stepmother Anlyn, along with her step sisters Sonja(the eldest) B( yes her name is just a letter), and Marcel.. Lady's (yes, that's her name...) main task is to recruit people in their mini businesss and every day.. her task become more and more tedious.. It is just too much for a young lass to handle.. her sisters are not as bad as those "occasional" step sisters you read in fairy tales.. though they are sometimes mean to her too.. they felt bad for LADY so they allowed her to get some help from her friends.. Edson, her good friend volunteered to help in exchange that she gives him some advice regrading theins and outs of the business world, for somedat Edson would want to be in the same business as Lady's family... Edson brought along two of his friends too... Lloyd and Derek, two dashing men from the EAST! and so the Lady along with new found friends Lloyd and Derek worked everyday. Lady's family business was doing well but she is yearning for something else.. Her late father has always told her to follow whatever it is that she is interetsted inand that is teaching and writing,, But oh, her step mother finds it rubbish.. she wont allow Lady to leave the company... So lady continued working at their company... But she is so sad... This sadness was noticed by Lloyd, the dashing warm-hearted man turned his friend... he asked what's keeping her sad.. and so she toled him of her plans.. everyday, Lady and Lloyd would discuss theri future plans and found out that theyboth liked the same things.. well, almost... on the other hand, Derek was also noticing Lady's sadness so he makes funny jokes to make her happy... Edson observed that thing are getting better for his friends and so he is happy... As everything becomes better for Lady, little does she know that Lloyd was falling for her.. And so one night, Lloyd confessed to Lady.. but oh the sadness of Lloyd when LAdy refused him.. Edson leaned about his two friends' predicament and supported Lloyd in her conquest to win Lady's heart.. Along the courtship.. something happened.. in the land of the EAST came chaos.. some men were dplaguing the city of EAST. Edson and Llloyd has to return to the EAST to help their fellowmen... they decided that Derek be left with LAdy.. LLoyd entrusted her love, LAdy to his good friend Derek... months and months passed.. though LLoyd is away, he never forgot his love for Lady.. he sends her flowers and letters ... but still Lady's heart was closed for him... this was giving Lady some sadness.. Lloyd's courtship to Lady was supported ny Edson and even Lady's fam,ily.. Her stepmoth and sisters would convince LAdy to accept Lloyds love.. but her heart.. her heart may have belong to someone else.. or nona t all.. her love belong to the children.. to teaching and to writing... Her sadness came into Derek's observation.. everyday.. Derek would cheer her up.. and one day, derek asked something that have made Lady's heart all the more stressed... Derek likes Lady.. oh no, teh lass was confused.. she does have fun with Derek.. a lot of fun.. theri conversations would go on for hours and still, she's not tired of him.. but what about Lloyd.. who was bravely fighting in the EAst.. Her family had arranged everything for her to be betrhoted to Lloyd.. a nobleaman he is.. but, something's amiss for Lady.. her heart's undecided.. she spent days thinking untill she got terribly ill... it was almost death.. It was Derek who looked after her along with her family.. he serached for the best medicine to cure her..And one day as she felt she was well enough, she realized a lot of things and talked to her stepmother, after the talked emerged a decsion.. she will not be with LLoyd, nor with Derek.. she will pursue her love.. teaching and writing at the NORTH.. where some of their relatives live... she talked to Derek about herdecision and he reluctantly accepted her decision.. though he asked if He comes in the North with her... would she have accepted him.. she did not answer and left Derek...
weeks later, the war in the East was done. Edson and Lloyd went home. as they were about o get home, Edson noticed something in Lloyd's eyes.. wrath.. jealousy.. He knows... as soon as they got home he looked for Lady.. he confronted her with harsh words that made Lady weep in sadness and hurt.. Lady just got of sickness that almost had her killed.. if it it wasnt for derek.. than she would be dead.. but the wrath in Lloyd's eyes was so visible.. Lloyd accused dereka nd Lady of being lovers behind his back... he felt betrayed.. LAdy vehemently denied Lloyd's allegations.. she said that the allegations arent thue and since first she never gave her heart to lloyd nor to Derek.. Derek saw the confrontation between Lloyd and Lady. he tried to break off the argument by explaining but Lloyd was too mad.. the two battled in their anger with their fists.. and then at the end a sho echoed the air....

it was a gunshot...

Edson went out to see what was that.. his lovely wife emioly followed.. and so as anlyna dn her daughters..


oh the sight was almost tragic.. but not quite...

years passed.. and we see things turned out to be quite different..


Derek picked a book that has Lady's anme engraved in it.. he bought it for 3 gold coins.. and he saw Lloyd walking with Edson.. nods were exchanged but the wrath of yesterday is till in men's eyes..

and LAdy... the sweet Lady.. she was surrounded by her little angels.. teh children she loved to teach and the books she thought she'd never had...

is the juice still worth the squeeze?

The very essence of our existence had been a topic that entangled the mind of so many philosophers for ages… so many theories were formulated why we exist and continues to exist. How does one still exist amidst all the trials life has given.

According to Wikipedia, the word "existence" comes from the Latin word 'existere', meaning to appear or emerge or stand out. To emerge and to stand outr, I believe has always been in the mind of every individual.

I remembered my chat with some old high school friends regarding our existence in our high school days. Some existed to be just mere wall flowers during that time but we were surprised at the social status they have achieved at the present.

Existence. Why do we exist? To emerge and stand out, what do we do? Does winning the regional quiz bee prove our existence? Or does bagging a Latin Honor during college prove your worth in the society? How about being part of the winning debate team? the school’s famous varsity maybe? Or the position you hold at the company you’re working in?

Existentialism is a subject I’ve studied in college that challenged my beliefs and ignited my mind to think about life. It has made me think of so many WHYs in my life and HOW to achieve the answer in my WHYs. Existentialism is a philosophy concerned with finding self and the meaning of life through free will, choice, and personal responsibility. I think it has always been human nature to ask “why?” and “how come?”

I have always believed that I exist because God wants me to exist, God, the beginner and finisher of my life.

"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him" (Colossians 1:16).

As these times of uncertainty cause countless doubts and resentment to a lot of people all over the world, more and more people would ask the question why…

Lately, I’ve caught myself asking God why some things happen to me… and when I would see myself asking.. I’d claim my faith in Him…

from James 1:17 we know that God gives us good and perfect gifts, and Ephesians 3:20 says that we know God is able to do above and beyond all that we can ask or even think.

Is the lifestyle I have built for myself still worth living? Or, has the people I have surrounded myself with still worth of me?

The answer to those…

I wanted to say yes… but at the back of my mind I kept telling myself “I don’t know..” I really don’t know the answer…

In a couple of weeks, the year is about to end again… how I wish a lot of chapters in my life will end as the year would change.

It’s easier to wear slippers that to carpet the whole earth… hay, maybe the juice is still worth the squeeze, yeah?

read this!

Rizal said the pen is mightier than the sword..

i guess he's right.. someone's words had literally got my hands shaking and in tears...

this is the last time im going to justify myself to you.. if ever you'll be reading my post..

SKATER BOY is my old org mate from FEU!!! he's not your friend! i did nothing behind your back! i would definitely miss bumping into him in the school's grounds, corridors, the game me and my friends attend to and outside school!

should i tell you that someone else like me? i didnt think i should but seriously i was really gonna tell you... oh wait.. i guess i was late kasi YOU already made up your mind ABOUT ME!!!!!!

what i denied.. about him? i chose to do it at that moment because i dont know how to tell you.. and i had my reasons.. and oh.. na baka si girl lang may gusto... NAGTANONG BA TALGA KAYO SAKIN BEFORE YOUMADE SUCH CONCLUSIONS!!!!!!!!

secret lovers! it was just something that i thought of during that time because he resembled an office mate's ex boyfriend whom she had a "secret affair"... kamukha NYA yun dating boyfriend na ka-officemate ko.. kung saan itong si officemate at ex ay naging secret lovers! kaya ko nsabi yun mga katagang secret lovers ay marahil yun ang naiiisp ko nung time na yun! but it doesnt mean i like him to be anything else but a friend...

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO QUOTE ME?!? in your blogs!!! oh.. yeah let me quote this "It really ruined not only friendships! But truly their selves as well…"

we ruined ourselves to you?!?

I have deemed you to be more than this... i really did.. the repercussions to what i did.. that "did" that you think was so "grave".. i get it.. i just dont get this!

when i said sorry sayo.. i meant it.. i just dont know if you meant yours!!! all the things you've said.. you can never erase them..

litanya

...


"i chose to break something.. sad.. really sad.."

9 something am..

good morning jez! .. head spinning... teka, hangover? umm.. di nga pala ko umiinom... umm.. naiinis.. naiinis.. naiinis..

ref.. jam.. bread..

lalabas pala ko..

naiinis.. naiinis.. naiinis..

cellhone.. scroll.. delete, delete, scroll.. delete.. idelete nalang lahat!!

beep.. sms.. "goodmorning jez!"

smile.. :) :)

teka... umm.. mali mali.. bakit ka nakangiti...

bad jez!

12 something pm...

fx: kamusta ka na?

pom: ang haba ng hair ng lola mo.... nakakainis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

usap.. usap.. usap..

jadson: ... sige

kain.. kain.. kain..

jadson: ikaw nga bea nya e...

pom: haha!!!! tawa!!! tawa!! tawa!!! whatever..

fx: tawa..


lakad.. usap.. tawa.. yey!! buti nalang..

sms.. punta k?

isp. isip. isip. isp....

hmmm... sige na nga.. pwede pa naman.. naku patay ako nito.. (ayan na naman yun butterflies sa tyan ko.. )

ayun.. sige nalang na..

ayan na.. :)

bahala na... basta..

poor eyesight in teh dark... di ako makakita..

(ok lang nandyan naman sya.. ngingiti sana.. pero .. tsk tsk.. bad jez bad!!)

kain.. kwento.. tawa.. ngiti.. tingin sa mata.. tingin pa sa mata.. tingin pa sa mata.. hay..


oops... uuwi na tayo..

ate: uyy.. sige balitaan nyo ko..

pom: huh?!? wala to.. (naku.. wag nya malaman please!!! ayan na naman yun butterfly...)

hatid.. hatid. paalam.. umm.. hirap magpaalam..

"don worry ako bahala.. wag ka na magisip.."

arrfg!! yun ang talgang gusto ko gawin magisip!!! *&^*&^ ayoko malaman yun susunod na mangyayari..

hay...

pom: "wag na.. pano kung di na ko ang gusto mo... " haha...

tapos.. rant.. rant rant.. rant.. rant..(patient sya e.. nakikinig naman.. ) kaya sige rant pa din.. "diba. nakakainis yun.. !"

........: osige na.. ikaw lang, isip ka ng isip sa nangyari..
pom: e kaya nga e.. basta hayaan mo nalang ako..



hay.. bakit kasi di ka pa pumasok sa loob jez!!!!!

pom: "basta.."

..............................: "bahala ka.."

pom..: :/ ok...

pag uwi..

sige jez.. toturin mo sarili mo..


tanong tanong... ym.. alam mo naman sagot.. pilit ka pang nagttanong kung ano dapat mo gwin..

sms: andto na ko.. good night..

pom: ok ingat dyan.. :)

(pero talgang :( ganito sya.. haha!!)

ayun.. ahhh.. bukas ako ng blog..
blog..

silip silip silip.. ( habang sumisilip..naalala.." wag mo na kasi ttgnan pa yun..")

e ayun.. tinignan pa din.. binasa.. binasa.. wahhh!!!! :(
:(
:(
:'(
:'(
:(

ang dami ko ng di gagawin next time..

:'(
:'(

kumuha ng tubig.. nilagay ang bulaklak sa improvise vase....

pinsan: ang ganda nyan pom ah..

pom: may chocolate pa.. :'(

pinsan: ubos na ata.. wag na inuubo ka e...

pom.. e ok lang yan... badtrip ako e..

pinsan: hehe.. naubos na e..

pom: WAAAHHt! .......................... ok.... bag.. halungkat ng chocolate.. halungkat.. oo makalat si bag... halungkay..

ah! meron pang isa.. pulang chokolate...

wah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! naalala ko si.......

ano ba yan...

pinsan: "noodles na to.. iyo ba?"

katxt: ano magnda sa sine?


pom: waaah!!!!! ayoko na.. ayoko na.. oo.. ok.. ok na ko.. ayoko na...


iyak.iyak.iyak... umm. tapos na 11 minutes.. nagiinarte naalng..


higa.. pray.. tulog...

bangon.. net. net. net.. tulog..

sunday: 9 am...


pom: "bakit???...."


...

as long as it is HIS promise.. no problem!! part 2.. guarded

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:23)

and i thank God he has been guarding not only my heart but its decisions as well...
oh.. and these decisions.. their hard.. umm.. i have to really think.. and see..

i chose the one HE had provided for me..

no, he's not one of the "guys" i mentioned before... though..... yes.. there are "thoughs and what ifs..."

but i can not risk my decision to my faith.. its sad.. but its what i chose..


i'm choosing to wait... from James 1:17 we know that God gives us good and perfect gifts, and Ephesians 3:20 says that we know God is able to do above and beyond all that we can ask or even think.

as long as it is HIS promise.. no problem!!

finally..

i can write again..

after all the drama.. umm... more drama i guess..

its my last week at work..

probably my last week also at the place i live in..

oh... and the "boys"... yup..

lets see..


-i feel brave enough to resign, probably should be braver becoming unemployed for a while.. i believe i can find a new one in no time.. i just hope it would be way way better than my present one..

---bottom line for me: DONT give your TRUST that easilly...
CONSIDER the advice of people who have been there
and the most important thing.. still.. TRUST GOD..

-i'm getting, ummm.. evicted in the place i live in.. umm..

---crux for me: REVIEW all your decisions, for teh CONSEQUENCES may last a lifetime..
RELATIVES.. ummm.. they kinda suck sometimes... umm.. BIGTIME!

-and oh yeah... the "BOYS"

plural form.. yep! never had so many of them in my life.. haha!!!

----so how will you choose?
of his roses and chocolates... how do you say no?
of his laughter and his smile... how do you say no?
of.. umm.. his looks.. haha! how do you say no?

lets see..
it's because it just wont work... even though everyone has practically vouched for him.. even i sometimes ask, how come it's not him... probably there's someone else.... is it the other one who sounded so different.. no one's vouching for him and taking the risk of going out with him sounds so appealing.. sounds so.. umm.. "secret lovers" .. but knowing the consequences make my tummy squirm.. it will ruin not only friendships but probably us as well... and so down to the last one.. he whose looks had one the smiles of everyone in our place.. haha... but this one, i can expect nothing.. im too tired of dealing with first two.. i just waved my hand and put down my hair.. sayng.. haha!! "ang ganda ko naman..."

but seriously.. i was thinking this maybe God's way of preparing me for something nice.. hmmm.. the "outing" at the end of November... the one where i might probably see who He had chosen for me... haha!!!

the feeling of being "liked"... its nice.. but i believe I'll have someone that HE has picked specifically for me.. maybe he is one of the boys i talked about.. but I know God is saying.. "wait..."


i don't mind waiting.. as long as I'm holding on to HIS promise.. i can wait and wait and wait.. :)

i learned and cried a lot...

yesterday, i cried bukets and buckets of water to sleep.

and i made a decision.. i'm resigning.. i never felt this sad before.. a different kind of sad..

my boss talked to me regarding my job performance... and it was a long talk.. which made me realize.. i want to leave.. im resigning...

i dont want to go home everyday feeling so exhausted i cant read my favorite book.. i dont get to have my devotions sometimes because i wake up late since im tired from yesterday. I am tired... i know this is not what He wants for me.

a few months back, i received feedbacks from my friends who already established in the corporate world that i should get a new job.. my parents told me so too...

and yes.. i know.. i should have listened and i acknowledge that.. im sorrry and i will heed to their advice next time...

they do know better sometimes..

plus.. really.. we should be careful on who we give our trust to...

i had this written in my multiply site a few days ago..:

"there was this request i made last night to someone that triggered a decision i ever thought i would make this early...
it's been four months already and i never knew i would end it this way... my high regard to some people is slowly diminishing. Each day pass by and i can no longer find a reason to stay. i hate this feeling..
the past few weeks had been so gruesome for me.. my stress manifests even in my sleep..
i have never felt this low before... i was berrated, talked to sacastically and bypassed. there were times where i feel unrespected.. not valued..
I think the lesson i learned about all of this is that i have to know when enough is enough..
and sometimes lessons learned are a bit too late... if i should have came into that realization before... i never should have felt like this with some people..
i was hoping things will get better..
maybe in some other time.. but not now..
and so last night... i cried...
that's when i knew.. i have to stop... and probably exert all my time and effort in other things.. not all things are forever ..."

I pour out myself in that post and i wanted to share it to someome in the office whom i consider a friend and trust.. i shared the post through a short letter with some words of encourage ment and all the yadiyahs...

and what happened next stubled my feelings in a halt.. sh eprinted out my personal email for her and showed it to my boss.. our boss...

i felt sad really bad.. i dont know how will i feel about her.. i regard as my best colleagues..

it sucks when those things happen to you..


it really does...


my heart sank with pain..

i cried so hard last night knowing i have to leave my work really soon... i know i have to leave... i do like what i do.. its just there are too many of it.. and the people... they make it harder...


i pray yesterday for HIS guidance and wisdom.. io prayed and prayed as i pour my tears out...

the sad part is..

i couldnt find anyone to pour my heart out too... my mom and dad is not here.. my cousin's a bit indifferent and i dont know if i can trust the pople in the office anymore... i do have some friends.. two of them made the effort to make em smile... thanks nicole and jadson...


i learned a lot lately...

though painfull,

i thank God for it.. i rejoice in the circumstances i get to see HIs love all the more..

labor day!

dahil sa laki ng oras na naigugugol ko sa pagtratrabaho.. ang daming tanong ang naiisip ko.. hinanakit.. inis..may 168 na oras tayo sa isang linggo..

sa opisina... mahigit 5o hours ang ginugugol ko sa opisina sa looob ng isang linggo...

at mahirap magtrabaho pag ang kasama mo araw-araw.. sa mahigit walong oras ay di mo gusto o kasundo..ang bigat sa pakiramdam..

napaiyak ako sa opisina kahapon.. nakakainis..

ang pagtratrabaho... bakit tayo nagtratrabaho??

sagutin mo nga ako..

bakit tayo nagtratrabaho????

-maaring dahil kailngan natin ng pera...
-maaring dahil sinabi ng magulang natin na magtrabaho tayo
-pwede rin nais mo isagawa ang inaral mo ng 4 o 5 taon...
-sabi nila ang isip, pumupur0l at katawan, humihina pag di ginagamit kaya kailangan magtrabaho.. ok na nga ang isip at katawa.. kumikita pa...


PERO.. lahat ng sobra.. masama diba..

-pag maraming pera
...........nawawalan ng oras sa pamilya.. sarili.. at kung ano ano pa.. di mo rin ma-eenjoy pera mo.. wala nga adw peace of mind diba.. ewan ko.. di marami pera ko e.. naririnig ko lang sa may mga marami nun..

-dahil sa sabi nga lang ng magulang.. di NAMAN TAYO MASAYA

-SABI NILA MARAMI DAW UNDER EMPLOYED E..... di anman talga nagagamit ang pinag-aralan e... ako mismo sa HRD.. maraming naencounter na ganyan.. ang inaapplyang position mlayo sa sinabi kong job specs..

-ah oo.. gamit na gamit isip ko at katawan ko sa trabahoko.. isip ako ng isip.. bad for the health..


gaya ng sabi ko.. pag SOBRA.. saka lang nagiging masama...


e madalas din.. di naman napapansin ng tao kung sobra na o hindi pa e..

kahit na NAKAKAINIS minsan magtrabaho... NAKAKASUYA... o naman talagang nais mo sabihin ng OGAG yun kasamahan...

OK PA NAMAN AKO...


e pano... INIISIP KO... PARA NA ALNG TO KAY LORD... I WORK FOR HIM..NOT THEM..

buti nalang weekend..


sabi ng kasamahan ko.. kahit na magresign ang isang empleyado..wla nman mangayyari sa opisina e... kikita padin kumpanya..

totoo namn din..

gaya samin.. kung may gulo man sa admin gaya ng pagreresign at di pagkakaunawan.. may mga customers pa din akmi. din anamn nila alam yun nangyayari sa loob e... kaya may custom ers pa di akmi.. madami.. di nalulugi kumpanya.. yun mga nagtratrabaho lang.. lalo na pag di "properly compensated"..

bakit ganun.. parang ang empleyado ang lugi?
parang may amli sa konspto ng "LABOR" dito sa PILIPINAS...


inumpisahan ng mga kastilang yan ...

feeling tuloy ng ibang Pinoy.. ok magpaalila... @$#%^&^..


LABOR??


grrr...

feeling ko im bound to do something with the concept of "WORK RIGHTS... di pa alng full force ngaun... bakit??


may 1 ako pinanagnak e...

maraming salamat kookoo!!

matagal na ko na walang blog...

ngunit ngayon.. mukhang sisipigan na talga kong magsulat...

dahil ang blog ko ay may bagong design..


malaking pasasalamat kay KOOKOO!!!

malaking hello din kay:

kuya homebodyhubby
g.lapis
fjordz
gizmo

salamat muli KOOKOO!!!!

photo edit collection

prends palagi.. =)

hanggang tingin nalang...

ngiti sa sarili...

___________________________________

sabi kanina ng kaibigan ko...:

cheng: 241 ka diba?

cheng: dapat palaban ka

cheng: hehe

tama tama cheng.. tama ka dyan..

natuwa ako talga..

___________________________________

sabi ng boss ko.. madaming bagay talga kahit maliit nakakapagpasaya...

oo tama siya.. pero ngayon, di ko na alam kung yung bagay na yun ay talgang nakakapagpasaya..

_________________________________

sabi ni boss,

di ka ngumingiti ngayon..

masakait lang taga tiyan ko..

wag ka magalala, isang linggo ka lang sa operations department..

ok sige sabi mo.. matapos mo ko ipamigay sa kabilang department e di sige nalang...

sige nalang, gaya ng sinasabi ng lahat.. tiyaga daw kasi daw lahat dumadaan sa gaito..

natural ba sa pilipino ang pagiging matiisin? isa siguro sa dahilan kaya ang kupad ng usad ng pinoy minsan..

hay

trsut God nalang nga.. e di tapos usapan diba.. hay...

is getting there worth every step...?

source: http://www.theeveryman.com/index.php

i hope so...

all the waiting, the patience, the time given and the effort exerted..

i just really hope everything would be all worth it in the end..

a lot of people warned me of the path that i took..

"find another one, the one that pays you better..."

"finish your MA first..."
"try doing this.. and that..."

in the end, i ended taking the path enyways.. and so here i am.. guarding on my faith not to double cross me.. if my faith on what i've chosen wavers.. i dont know what to do.. i dont want to admit they might be right all along..

at this moment, i dont know anymore if i'm really happy or am i just convincing myself that im still having fun with what i do...

but i'd love to think i still am having fun with what i do. i still carry the responsibility given to me with pride and integrity... i guess that's enough to sustain me for now...

i always think there is something more behind what my eyes can see and that something is why God is there for me..

its a matter of trust...

'he caught me when i was falling down.. and i didnt see it!!!"


haha.. last saturday, we had short training/get together at the office called morning hub. we had a game/activity called "Willow in the Wind" , is a trust building activity.






that's not us.. too bad we dont have any pictures..

the one in the middle serves as the willow... the rest of the group surrounds the "willow" and serves as the wind... the willo is blindfolded whiile other teammates(wind) toss him around.. i know you get the picture.. so that's pretty much what the game entails.. it's suppose to establish TRUST among us..

at one point.. i played the "willow"..

i was blindfolded.. was tossed around.. i allowed myself to be tossed around.. i trusted my groupmates...

and at one point.. i really felt like i was falling.. i dont know if someone wil still catch me.. but one guy from the group did catch me.. and after that i removed my blindfold and everyone was staring at us.. more at him like they were glad he was there to catch me.. i must have been near the ground.. they kept on saying "buti nandyan siya.."

he did catch me and everyone saw it but me...

kinda like in life..

sometimes we're blindfolded of the true people who care for us or who are willing to catch us when we fall...

we concentrate so much on otehr people, other things.. "other everything.."

there's so much more than what we "dont have" at the moment..

and i guess we really just have to trust that someone will always catch us when we fall.. its just that they may not be the people we expect..

*************************************************************************************

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FJORDZ AHOY!!!

so fed up...

hindi ko lang lubos maiisp may mga taong ganoon... higit pa, mga kamag-anak na ganoon.

tatlo. tatlo lamang kami sa pamilya.. ako, at ang aking magulang. masaya ako sa kung anong meron sa aming tatlo.

ang ikinalulungkot ko ay ang "extended family".. mas matatanggap ko pa kung ang masasakit na salita ay manggagaling sa isang di kakilala... ngunit kung manggagaling sa kanila.. masakit para sa akin. ni minsan 'di ako nagreklamo sa kung ano ang meron ako sa buhay, o kung ano man ang estado namin... wala silang karapatan para diktahan kami kung saan kami titira o lulugar.

I believe i am only accountable to God and God alone. we'll stay kung saan namin gusto at kung saan kami nilagay ni God.. i owe my life to no one except with God.

i dont understand them... nasasaktan talga ko sa ginagawa nila.. sa nangyayari.. sa lahat.. naiinis ako kasi nangyayari ito.

parang gusto ko tumigil muna ang lahat...

marami pa ko gusto gawin bukod sa umupo sa opisina ng buong araw...

Nakakatakot baka ang bagay na pinili ko ngayon ay ‘di pala ang siyang nararapat para sa ‘kin.

Ang trabaho ko ngayon, ‘di ko alam kung gusto ko talga. Natatakot ako baka nasasayang ang panahon ko. KApag ba sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na enjoy ako eh ‘di ba ito gaya ng “self defense”.. pinapaniwala ko lang ba ang sarili ko na masaya talga ko? Sabagay, naniniwala din anamn ako na makapangyarihan ang utak natin. Kung ano iisipin natin ay siya din namang magkakatotoo. Kung iniisip ko na masaya at “enjoy” kung anong meron ako, aba, baka sakaling totoo at ito nga ang mangayayari o nangyayari.

Noong una, akala ko talga ok na ko. Ngunit kanina, isang kaibigan ang nagtanong kung ano ang trabaho ko... tinanong din niya kung magkano ang naiuuwi kong sweldo. Bigla ba naamng banat e, maliit daw yun para sa isang tulad ko. Ano nga ba ko? Ang matataas ko bang grades ang basihan kung ano ako sa trabaho? O ang ginagawa ko at nararamdaman ko sa tuwing ako ay nagtratrabaho. Nagpaapekto ako sa sinabi niya.. OO.. totoo yun.. Isa kasi siya sa taong mataas ang tingin ko.. yun tipong pag nakikita ko at naririnig ang “achievments” nya sa kanyang career, nasasbi ko dati nung nasa kolehiyo pa ko na gusto ko rin amging ganun. Ngayon na ako mismo ay nasa mundo na ng “pagtratrabaho” biglang nabago ang pananaw ko... kasabay dito ang pagbibigay ko ng “commitment” sa Panginoon sa aming simbahan.

Nararamdaman ko na ang pagtanda at pagkakaroon ng responsibilidad. Totoo ngang habang tumatanda tayo dumadami ang responsibilidad natin. Responsibildad ko na ngayon na pumili kung ano ang gagawin ko, saan ako magtratrabaho, saan ako titira o kung saan ako mapapadpad. Pero nakikita ko sa sarili ko na inaayawan kong akuin ang mga resposnibildad na nabanggit ko... Bait.. Naiinis na ko sa sarili ko..

Bakit ako nagpa-apekto sa sinabi nya.. “ang liit ng sweldo mo, sa tipo mong yan.. maghanap ka pa…”

Sumagot akong apektado, “oo nga.. saan aba ko magtratrabaho.. saan ba maganda, sige maghahanap pa ko..”

Tsk tsk tsk… Ni hindi ko man lang pinagtanggol ang napili kong trabaho kung bakit yun ang napili ko… Bakit nga bay un ang napili ko..? akala ko naman kasi maganda na ‘yun.. ano ba ano baa no ba…

Parang sasabog utak ko sa kakaisip…

-ang nais kong paglisan sa bahay na tinitirahan ko ngayon
-trabaho
-trabaho
-at kung ano ano pang mga lubak ng buhay….

Alam ko dapat di ko to gawin sa sarili ko… malamang sasabihin nanaman ng mga tao.. “kaya mo yan…” dumaan din ako dyan”

Sasabihin ni Erickson.. “intimacy vs. isolation” yan..

Hay.. mahirap magisip pero habang naiisip ko to, humiginhawa din pakiramdam ko.. ok ok…

Naiisip ko pa din ang sinabi ng kaibigan ko kanina tungkol sa trabaho…

last on who's priority?

This week has been too much for me but I guess not for the Lord.

I started work this week, actually yesterday. it was tiring, training palang yun.

prior to my employment, i had to accomplise some"pre-employment requirements" such as sss id, med certificate and nbi clearance... everything i did in one whole week without any help from anyone except His guidance.

as i look back, i was proud of myself.. i was able to do everything independently... but i found out i was sick.. from my med exam.. so this time, i need someone to actually accompany me see a doctor and have a treatment... i asked one friend... sabi ko i need to go to the hospital for a check up, and if SHE can accompany me there... that was last night.. i got her reply this morning saying she had to do a lot of things...

ok.. i just wondered, what if sabi ko "may malubha akong sakit, samahan mo ko..." would she have said yes? or maybe not..

one thing that i learned at the workplace during my first day was prioritizing.. and so i guess i was the last on her list... i did frown.. and became sad.. why would you want to be tha last one on his/her list of priorities? or maybe naman may present illness is not that grave that she can pass on it nalang. pwede rin diba?

nalala ko tuloy yun "parachute message" na motto ng kaibigan ko..

"needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the time you really need them, chances are you wont be needing them again."


actually totoo naman.. in some way.. nung narealize ko na gust ko ito isend sa "friend" kong di ako sinamanhan, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na: parang ang bitter mo naman who cant forgive and give second chances.. actually pang ilang chance nya na ba 'to? hmm.. baka ako dapat ang talgnag wag na humingi ng tulogs sa kanya... hehe.. akala ko kasi pag kapatid sa pananampalataya, automatic na matulungin.. hehe! actually lahat nman matulungin.. di lang lahat syempre.. lagi naman ika nga e "exemption to the rule"


i started the week alone. (just with God)

i may end it alone.. (still with HIM)

"i may" lang naman... what if may bigla akong makasama.. pero ok lang.. i would always be very glad to end and start the week with the Lord..

i always felt na since im an only child.. i was really destined to be alone.. in everything.. few.. as in very few of my friends would actually say that they will be there for me and really be there.. problem is, they're not here in manila.. some are even halfway across the globe...


...........



Salamat pala GIZMO sa pagbati...
at Ginoong Lapis.. salamat din ng madaming madami! haha.. parang gumagawa naman tayo ng pelikula sa iniisip mong pagtatagpo natin... :)

magiisip nga din ako ng magandang pagtatagpo...


saka kay Fjordz.. salamat din kasi yun isa sa posts mo.. may narealize ako na nakatulong din sa 'kin.. :)

21 and still counting

thank you kookoo!!!

i dont know what to say exactly but i want to say something..
it's official.. i'm a year older now..

Wiser than before?

I hope so...
this past year had been a lot for me.. when i say a lot it only meant a different kind of ride..

*(MAY-JUNE) i moved into a new place, my cousin's pad. She's younger, and different from any other kid i know.. she's younger than me and i find having her around a COMPLETE CHALLENGE. why? i am an only child.. io never had anyone to take care of... now i have her.. she grew up in UAE.. we've different cultures.. she's years younger than me.. i don't know why it was hard for me to actually deal with her sometimes.. but at the end of the day.. i find her amazing.. she may test my patience everyday but her company brings me countless insights about my self and my trsut in God's plans... i still struggle with her in terms of patience.. but everyday is a test from God right.. why worry..

----maybe this happened to ready myself to the coming months.. thesis.. and organizational work for THE Paragon..

i'm missing evryone... eric and renel!!! *nagkaroon ng earthquake bago ang launching.. we shook FEU's grounds.. hehe!!!

*(AUGUST) The Paragon was organized to bring out the writers' essence and creativity of FEU's insitute of arts and sciences students... yep.. from being a writer to being a director to being the assoc ed.. bago ang lahat.. editorial bopard.. we dont even have a budget.. but still.. patience.. and we made it.. thabk God.. first issue.. second issue.. whew.. now i think all i have to do is get them have a third issue even if im ni longer a student of feu... it's laways nice to share something through writing.. masaya eto!!!!

*JUNE--->MARCH --THESIS.. nuff said.. whew.. a test of evrything.. as in everything.. pati friendship.. almost... haha! again patience brought me through.. thank God!

*all year fun with friends...

*JANUARY- and counting!!!! ----BLOGSPOT adventure!! yehey! new friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fjordz!

ginoonglapis
at Homebody kuya robert!!!
saka si gizmo...

--APRIL-Graduation... ok na ok na.. tapos na ko sa 4 na taong pagaaral ng psychology..

TODAY: hmmm.. isip ako.. ano nga ba.. what's next.. still in His arms.. thank God.. Im still HIS... Im still walking Jesus.. though at times nabuuhat na nya ko.. still glad im still running this race for HIm.. 21 and still counting..

happy me!

salamat sa mga kaibigang mabbait.. uber love you guys!!

francis. ate joy. ate chie. ate mayette. karol. ajie. UBC!!!.

kookoo(saya ng maraming text galing sa YFC friends ni KOOKOO.. salamat sa yfc feu).

Mark mark! (sakto ang 11:58 pm na pagbati!!) belle.rico.

jake.neil.Renel!!!!! Ditzler!

Fjordz!(salamat kaibigang blogger).ma'am KAI!

ate juvs. czelene.

daine. aileen. kuya dan. maire.tyrus.daisy.ALan!Migs. Che

ate yang!!! Nicole.

sa lahat ng di ko nabati!!!! maramingmaramin salamat!!!

bakit parang ang loser ko

"matulog poreber!!!!"

parang yan ang gusto ko manyari sa akin nitong mga nagdaang linggo..


hay.. unemployed na ko ngayon... dati student nagyon unemployed..


gigising ako.. kakain.. tv.. magccomputer.. akkain.. matutulog.. maglilinis ng bahay..

ang loser..

naku.. kaya pala.. nakakalimutan ko kasi to: tsk tsk

PRAYER

hay.. jezreel.. tsk tsk..

ayan kaya siguro napakaloser mo lately..

ang loser ng buhay ko.. naiisip ko.. pero ayan na naman.. sabi nang di dapat ganyan magisip.. nakakalimutan ko na ba kung bakit pa kong tinawag na anak ng PAnginoon... hmmm.. naku..

kahit na ganito pa man na i feel like a loser.. na i feel crap.. nahihirapan and all.. talga.. i still praise God.. sa lahat ng bagay.. purihin natin Siya.. just like Job did sa bible.. hay.. may i be like Job..

pero sana nga... malaman ko kung ano nga ba gagawin ko sa sarili ko... sna maiisip ko na ang tama bago ako tumanda ng isang taon...

sumakay sa pagbabago

maraming magbabago pero ayoko sumabay sa pagbabago...

ang dating madalas kong makita, di ko na makikita..
ang dating madalas ko ginagawa, di ko na magagawa...

dati, dati, dati..

dapat

ngayon ngayon ngayon...

tama..

ngayon at bukas..


di ko alam kung pano na ko bukas... parang ayaw ko isipin.. pero dapat..

ang hirap din minsan sumakay sa pagbabago...

why .. something's wrong with me...

The past months had been a time of change. It was a time of decisions, of opportunities given and wasted and of friends leaving. I realized how far we can push ourselves to the limit of giving and understanding how life really goes. Everyday is a decision to make. From the choices we make to the mistakes we committed, they were all our decisions. As I face the question of my family and friends: “what are your plans after college?” I tried my best to answer something I can live up to. It’s not going to be as easy as before, I know.. but hey.. no one has it really easy right..?

i have to see what's next.. but i have to open my eyes first...

i have to know where i'm going so i probably should get a map...

i should be thankful and elated of what's going on in my life.. i am happy.. much more i feel blessed.. but still.. something's amiss.. like there's a lack of enthusiasm in me..

i hate myself for it.. like I'm some ungrateful kid.. but I'm really grateful.. it's just something is different.. i can't figure out what is it..

could it be the pressure of finding a job? should I get a job na ba? a school for my MA? do i even want to get an MA already.. plus my parents not letting me go into any "vacation trips" with some friends... arrgh.. could all of this be a reason why I'm not really elated, thrilled.. overjoyed..



..

i just have to keep praying until i get through this.. He's getting me through this.. I'm already a winner in HIM.. victors in Christ diba? ....

sagot ko kay kookoo, saka iba pa...

kookoo.. may sagot ako para sa 'yo


oo bakit sila ganun? pinapalipas ang oras?



di ko rin alam e.. pero siguro.. hindi importante yung oras na yon para sa kanila..
nasasaktan ako.. kasi pakiramdam ko.. yun mga oras na pinalipas natin.. mahirap na bawiin, baka di na natin mabawi..

sinabi kong ok na lang din.. oo kasi di ko na alam sasabihin.. nalulunkot ako sa nagyari e..


araw-araw, unti-unti...

nababago ang konsepto ng "kaibigan" sa buhay ko... malayong malayo sa konseptong meron ako nung bata pa ko.. nung high school at nung una ko nakilala ang mga kaibigan ko ngayong kolehiyo na ko...

akala ko dati, pag nagkalayo ang mga kaibigan, magkakalimutan na.. di pala.. minsan mas lumalalim pa ang pagkakaibgan nyo.. ayos nga e..

di mo pa nakikita yung tao.. pero pwede kayong maging magkaibigan.. (ehehe.. not in the "txtmate" kind of way na nakikipag kita tapos nadadale o napaptay.. o yun mga nakikipag chat sa kung saan saan.. basta.. not in that kind of way.. noo way..)

at..

kahit lagi mo kasama.. di naman nasusukat dun ang lalim ng pagakakaibigan..


ok na ko.. hmmm.. nagalabas lang ng sama ng loob.. haha!

mga bagay na nasabi na...

in a few weeks, I'd be leaving my school.. along with it are friends and acquaintances...

"ano ka ba, magkikita pa tayo.." "di naman kita malilimutan e.." "super mamimiss kita...."

these words are spoken because they actually fit the situation... my friends must've said that because it's what you usually say when these "parting" times come..

parang pag kumakain ka.. e may dumating.. automatic sasabihin mo.. "kain tayo!", kahit ayaw mo magshare o halos ubos na yun pagkain mo...

we had an "open forum/farewell something" last week sa school..
the president said that if we could write something for our clasmates.friends.. simple notes daw.. we could do that at that very moment.. we could have the clored paper scattered on the floor as notes.. yun white, for sorry.. red means we love someone.. i think yello was for thanks you and green means.. i cant remember.. basta ayun..

marami nagsabi ng pasasalamat.. ng pagmamahal.. at ng patawad..

may nagbigay ng sorry note.. katabi ay ang masayahing mukha..may isang tao.. lahat sinabihan nya ng sorry.. alam ba nya kung anong ang hinihingi nya ng tawad sa akin? may humingi ng tawad, sbai nya sorry dahil minsan ayaw nya ko kausapin o ayaw nya makinig sa 'kin.. naisip ko naman.. bakit nya inihihingi ng tawad yun.. ok lang naman kasi yun.. yun isa sabi."sori sa kamalditahan ko sa 'yo".. alam nya palang ganun sya.. e bakit pa nya ginagawa sa kin?


"sorry" was said because the situation called for it..

ok na din.. baka yun iba.. yun talga ang nais iparating.. ang sorry.. o nais nga talgang magpasalamat..

it's so silly when words are spoken just because they need to be...
maraming salita ang nawawalan ng kahulugan dahil sa maling pag-kakagamit dito at maling pagpapakahulugan...


buti nalang.. yun promises ni God.. ok.. lahat ng sinasabi Nya .. walang automatic.. lahat para sa 'yo at para sa 'kin..

ganun din ang panlangin mo para sa Kanya...

yun memoryadong panalangin.. parang mga salita na paulit ulit.. walang kahulugan.. kahit sino, pwede sabihin ang isang panalanging memoryado..

naalala ko nung elementary kami.. may memorized prayer bago mag recess... di ko na nga matandaan kasi pag nagppray kami.. madalas ay may sarili akong pasasalamat para sa pagkain ko na natanggap ko sa Kanya..

ano ba nais mo talga sabihin? mahirap ba sabihin kay God yun? ..


hmmm... kaya nahihirapan din ako magsulat minsan.. lagi ko iniisip.. eto ba ang nais ko isulat o sabihin talga.. dahil may mga bagay na pag nasabi na, di na pwede burahin.. sa blog oo, pwede pa iedit at burahin.. e sa totoong buhay.. hindi na..

per ang nais ko.. sa pag susulat ko.. masabi ko kunga ano ang gusto ko sabihin.. hindi lang dahil dapat ko ito isulat.. kundi nais ko ito isulat at ibahagi... walang pagsisisi sa huli..

:)

a time well spent

My head is tired of thinking about the coming days...
Then I figured out, does it really matter?
What I think of...
Thinking of the people I've met, friends and routines.

What is four years compared to a lifetime ahead?
A simple trip to a seminar can give me new friends
I can provide new routines with my planner
But four years of a hand full of memories with
strangers and friends, and silly rituals is compared to nothing.

My head is tired of thinking about the coming days...
It must've mattered a bit,
Of the things that I think of..
Thinking of success and failures, of the picture stilled memories.

I wrote, indeed i shared my thoughts and my my own two-cents
The ball games and the story behind it, of the talks and the message imbibed from it.
I taught, of what I know and had a hearty laugh in the process.
With fellow students and strangers, it must've mattered a bit.

Yet, my head is indeed tired of thinking...
But i would love to say it did matter.
Of the things I thought of, i remembered and kept.
Thinking of the place, the time, the people and the essence of it all.

That in the end, all I have was the memories.
Of laughter brought about by the time well spent,
And the bulk of knowledge and wisdom well earned...
Friends and family received in the very essence of it all.


And it did matter in the end,
-though my head was tired, oh praise Ye for it did matter.

jezreel 2/28/07

naisip ko nanaman

ngayong linggo.. may mga pag-usap na di mawaglit sa isip ko..

nung isang araw...

"i feel sad" sabi ko sa kaibigan ko..

"masyado ako masaya ngayon para maging malungkot para sa 'yo e.." sabi nya.. sabay punta sa kabilang side ng room ata yun..

Hindi ko naman hinihingi na maging malungkot siya. Masaya ako para sa nararamdaman niya. Pero yun nga lang, di naman siya pwedeng maging malungkot para sa akin.. dahil masaya nga siya.

Bihira ko lang sabihin ang mga katagang yun sa isang kaibigan.. at ang ganung "reply" ang dahilan kung bakit di ko yun sinasabi ng madalas..

...

ayun.. naglabas lang ng sama ng loob.

Salamat

from dusk till dawn..

i'll praise You...

for the works of Your hand has made me whole

for Your love has made me who i am.

undeserving i am

not even worthy of Your love..

for i am a sinner.. unholy..

but because of Your love, through the darkness i was found.

through the days of my life, i'll sing of Your Love

through every breath, I'll dance of your kindness..

throgh every bit of me.. i'll praise you..

For YOU have saved me.. for YOU have saved me..

im ny darkest, in my lowest, in my weakest...

You're my sight, my strength my all...

Jesus.. You saved me..
It is You.. i love the most.. THANK YOU!

at our school's roof top!

the past weeks have been a real test of patience and perseverance.. plus.. FAITH!

i found myself fighting in battles i can only win because God is the ever faithful God..

plus.. i can not survive "february" without HIm.. goodness.. when will the "love/relationship" talks end?!?

i can't wait for summer!!

a time for all

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time

to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

************************************************************************************

i think..

time holds the key to a lot of things... that's why i pray so hard for God to keep me patient.

my friend said that time is not gold---it's priceless..

i guess when we think that there is a time for everything, there is less regret in us.

sometimes, we dont notice the time..

busy ourselves with so many things..

i learned that i can not control the pace of life, but i can manage my time

in the end of my time, i want to be able to tell myself...

"my time was well spent.. with God and His vineyard, with the love of my family

and friends.. and with myself!"

how about you?

i love you!

LOVE!

-Jesus
Because He loves us so much He died for our sins.

-mom and dad
They make me hope and look forward to spending my life with someone who’ll love me … someone who’ll be patient with me.. who’ll trust me.. make me laugh.. make me sing.. make me live life like there is always something to look forward to.. plus.. their love keeps me going going and going..

-friends
Some are bitter, some are full of love.. Either way.. They make me feel love in so many ways.. And see love in various forms and sizes.

anyways.. with all the vendors (who came like mushrooms beside our school and near our apartment) selling heart shaped stuff and overpriced flowers.. i can't help but remember.. ahehe! "valentines pala"

ayun.. kaya mag-iisang linggo ko ng nakikita yun mga nagtitinda ng bulaklak at heart na unan heart na tsokolate at lahat ng pwede gawing heart... na may nakasulat na I love you.. haha!

.. season of love.. lagi namang season of love.. lalo na kay God.. john 3:16.. :)

pero sige na nga.. happy seaseon of love.. eto maganda tong kantang to.. hehe.. everything ni michael buble..

napaisip.. :)

mahilig nga kasi ako mag-isip.. ewan ko ba..

nung friday night.. hmm.. di ako makatulog.. tapos nalulungkot ako.. basta ewan ko bakit ako nalulungkot.. nagligpit ako ng gamit.. hmm.. tapos.. nakatabi sa gilid ng closet ko yun painting na hiniram ko kay glenn a.k.a mikoy wonderboy.. :)

tapos, tinanong ko sya kung kelan ko ibabalik yun painting nya.. pinagdala kasi kami dati ng visual arts ng prof ko sa humanities.. e wala naman kamng painting or sculpture dito.. akal ko seryosohang visual arts eto.. kaya nanghiram ako ng acryli.. oil painting sa kaibigan ko.. si mikoy.. ayun.. so syempre inaral ko pa yun painting.. pagdating ko ng klase.. hays.. ang dala ng mga kaklase ko.. mga rtwork nila nung high school sila.. visual arts din pala yun.. umm.. may nagdala ng clay painting, ng mga watercolor painting from way bach gradeschool.. may mga pictures nilang magkakabarkad.. may celphone.. feeling ko natalbugan yun painting ni mikoy.. ang ganda pa naman.. nawalan tuloy ako ng gana magrecite... inisip ko sana dinala ko nalang yun paper stars ko.. basta magaling ako sa pag gawa nun e.. madami ako nun.. nakita ko sa net na ang origami in one ay or another ay form ng visula art.. na sad ako.. kasi feeling ko, di ko nabigyan ng justice yun painting ni mikoy..

ayun.. makalipas ng ilang linggo.. panahaon na para lumisan yun painting sa kwarto.. kasi baka makalimutan ko pa ibalik... e ggraduate na daw kami..

nung isang gabi, tinanong ko kukunin na nya.. wala naman talga akong balak hingin, kasi alam ko na mahalga din yun painting na yun sa kanya.. saka nahihiya ako sa kanyang hingiin yun..

pero sabi nya akin nalang daw.. remembrance.. natuwa ako syempre.. ang bait nito ah.. haha.. na -sad ako.. kasi nalala ko na lilisn na pala ako sa piyu.. tapos di ko na makikita yun iba kong kilala na tinuring ko nang kaibigan..

masaya na malungkot.. grabe.. ang mood nga talga ng tao ay paiba-iba.. kaya nga sabi ni Carl Jung.. napaka complex ng personality ng tao.. maraming bagay taoyng nararamdaman kahit ayaw natin.

alam natin di maganda sa pakiramdam pag nalulungkot tayo. pero kaya nga ba natin pilitin ang sarili na maging masaya... na ibahin ang nararamdaman.. hmm..

mahirap yun diba? ewan ko..

matapos ko matanggap ang painting.. super thank you ako kay glen.. mikoy pag sumikat ka.. siguro ok na ok.. isa ko sa may artwork mo e..haha! salamat talga glen!

hmm..

"a walk to remember"- by glen echavez

sabi nya.. pininta nya ang dalampasigan na madalas nyang puntahan sa cebu.. napaganda daw ng lugar at nais nya balikan ito balang araw.. hmmm..

ok nga e.. kasi ako ang interpretation ko, yun guy.. nag-iisip.. ikung ano na ang mangyayari.. sa lahat.. :) parang ako.. iniisp ko din kung ano ng mangayayri .. tapos nito...

a place i have to find..

"I know a place that we can go to,
A place where no one knows you

They won't know who we are

I know a place that we can run to

And do those things we want to

They won't know who we are..."

that is one my favorite songs.. take you there by plain white t's.. sometimes i wish i could just get away from all of what's happening... i'm young i know and life should be pretty easy and i should be having the time of my life..



but sometimes, like now.. i don't feel like that at all..



i just want to runaway sometimes.. a place where i can run.. run so fast and hard i'd forget about everyting... a place where no questions will be asked.. just me.. and perhaps i could listen to myself and what God wants me to do..



"ano gagawin mo after graduation?"



i don't know.. i mean i know what i want to do.. i just do know if its the right thing to do.. im not a teen anymore.. i cant rely on my parents to make decisions for me..



--should i study.. something different.. something that i love.. writing and culture and arts and music.. can i even do that? i want to see culture and learn it and through it be a better christian.. help people and see people the way no else see them.. study more about people.. true psychology unike the rubbish ones they use to teach me here in college.. yes.. they teach rubbish things sometimes.. plus the system is soooo not good.. i wish could do something to change the system..



--pursue what we've been trained to do for the last 4 years.. be in human resource development and make a company a lot whole richer while millions of people, FILIPINOS become poorer each day..



--or think about while i stay home watch tv all day.. ( tsk.. tsk.. jez, mahiya ka naman!!)



haha! i dont know!



those three things that i thought of doing makes my mind cluttered.. haha! i complicate things don't i.. bawal magreklamo.. thoughs ko nga ito e.. :)





"kahit ano piliin mo, may nakalaan na ang Panginoon sa 'yo"



my mom kinda said that to me... i know He has a plan.. i am scared to think i might be deviating from His plan already..





i just dont want any regrets anymore like i use to before..

I know a place that we've forgotten

A place we won't get caught in

They won't know who we are (they won't know, won't know)

I know a place where we can hide out

And turn our hearts inside out

They won't know who we are

Let Me Take You There LyricsArtist(Band):Plain White T's

paglubog ng araw...

And God saw every thing that he had made and, behold, it was very good.Genesis 1:31

pag nakikita ko ang pag-lubog ng araw, madami akong naalala...

- nung bata pa ko, mga 4 ata ako nun, nakatira pa kami sa diliman.. pag palubog na ang araw, natatandaan ko yun kulay ng kwarto namin.. parang naiiba.. tapos ang tugtog na madalas noon sa radyo.. wind beneath my wings.. naalala ko yun tatay at nanay ko na naguusap habang hinihintay maiinin ang sinaing at ako nagkukulay sa maliit kong lamesa.. pag nakikita ko yun paglubog ng araw, naalala ko yun panahon na kaming 3 lang nila nanay at tatay..

-nung 6 ako, lumipat kami sa Dagupan... (sa bayan ng mga bangus, malayo) yun apartment namin.. ganun din yun nagiging kulay sa dati naming tinirahan sa diliman tuwing lulubog ang araw. sa likod ng bahay.. may fishpond.. pag nakikita ko ang paglubog ng araw sa lugar na yun.. naalala ko yun buhay namin nung nasa metro manila pa kami.. kahit bata pa ko nun.. naiisip ko na ang pagbabago ng buhay ko simula nung lumipat kami sa probinsya... may tugtog din yun na kasabay minsan.. kung hindi sa dzas.. yun ariel rivera ata yun madalas kong marinig. tapos yun palabas ni rey langit.. pinapanood ko. yun lang kasi nakukuha sa tv namin nung bagong lipat kami.. ewan ko ba.. basta si rey langit... memorable.. ahaha!

-simula nung nag-grade 1 ako, ang sunset ay simbolo ng "uwian" sa opisina... kasi lagi ako nasa opisina ng nanay ko.. s optical na pinapasukan nya.. pag hapon, mga bago mag 6, nammalenke sya.. pag lumalabas kami.. yun kulay ng langit.. bughaw pa din.. madalas.. kahit sunset.. ibang iba noong bata bata pa ko.. may kanta din na lagi ako naririnig noon e.. macarena ata saka sha lala lala! hehe.. saka minsan ata jessa zaragoza.. lalim! haha! minsan pala naglilibrary ako.. kasi malapit lang ang city library doon, mga 5 na ko umuuwi.. yun kulay ng library pag malapit na magsunset.. naiiba din.. yun sahig na gawa sa kahoy.. parang mas nagiging makintab.. nung mga grade 5, nakakauwi na ko sa bahay mag isa.. di ko nakikita sunset noon kasi madalas akong laman ng tv.. mtv pala.. nood nood nood.. basat addict ako sa tv nun.,. pero ang mga kanta noon, mga old school.. kapanahunan ni tatay at nanay.. beatles, bread.. jackson.. basta..

-nung highschool.. nakikita ko lang ang sunset pag nagpupunta ako sa beach.. yun kasi peyborits ng nanay at tatay ko minsang gawin.. magbeach pag malapit na mag sunset.. kahit na nung bata pa ko.. yun din ginagawa namin.. wala lang.. maglalakad tapos titingin sa dagat.. magkkwentuhan sila.. pati ako nakikisabit.. hehe.. kanta noon e parokya ni edgar.. peyborits din kasi ng tatay ko...

-nung 3rd year na ko, tumira kami sa ikatlong palapag na apartment. duon, madalas ko makita sunset.. halos araw-araw.. ang ganda. saka mahangin dun.. hanngang gnayon dun padin nakatira sila tatay e.. araw araw pa din nila nakikita yun sunset.. lahat ng kulay sa langit makikita mo.. wala akong kamera kasi.. kaya hanggang describe nalang.. lowtech naman yun nasa cp ko dati..

pero yun kulaay.. minsan parang ube na asul.. minsan asul.. tapos may dila at orange.. pupurihin mo talga and Panginoon pag nakita mo ang langit.. tila painting.. may kanta din dito.. mga alternative songs.. old school alternative.. closing time.. everything, coldplay.. blind melon..

-nung nagdorm ako, yun sunset nakikita ko sa mga spaces ng puno sa gilid ng kwarto namin.. maganda to.. yun kwarto namin parang nagiging yellow din, ang kanta dito e.. cold play padin.. saka yun jam 88.3 na stasyon..

-yun mga nakaraan.. (lately) sunset sa schhol.. eduacation building 8th floor saka mga ilang linggo sa landbank main office..

walang kanta.. ingay lang ng mga kaklase,,, sayang nga e.. kasi pag may sunset.. parang di ko man lang matignan.. nakakalunkot kasi e..

ito yun sunset na kung saan naalala ko yun mga nakaraang sunset.. pamilya at kaibigan.. ngayon kasi pag sunset.. yun mga gusto ko makasama minsan wala..

si kookoo, yun kaibigan ko.. mahilig sa sunset.. ako di masyado.. malungot kasi minsn para sa 'kin..

pero sa kanya ko natutunan ang pagtingin dito sa kakaibang pananaw..

na tunay ngang maganda to.. at nag-iiba iba..

minsan malunkot..minsan masaya, oo masaya.. nalala ko.. uli yun verse sa taas.. saka puno ito ng ala-alang habang buhay kong dala.. :)

sunset na kuha ni kookoo..

whew!

at last.. i get to have a new home for my thoughts aside from my brain..

i hope you can get to read and see my old blog.. but put your comments in this site.. :)

i was thinking this "home" would be better,bolder, and is more fun than my last one..

.. take a look at my old first ok..

http://jezreel-pom.blogs.friendster.com/jezreelpom/

will write again tomorrow..

have fun!