where did i go wrong....

my life in 08

the 10th

funny how...
there's a certain pen that i dont like now,
there's these particular candies that i despise,
and there's a specific memory im dying to kill

roses aren't so red anymore, and i prefer daisies and lilies now...
chocolates aren't that sweet, i love the dark ones now..
bears and boxes are things that makes my room smaller now..
if i can just kill these memories....

time must've took a vacation in my life
the ticking clock is making forgeting harder than before

His love and probably He's cheering me up...

i was guilty because he was showing how hurt he was...i felt responsible and i am mad because i can't accept the fact that i can do that to someone... he did hurt me too but i was more focused in the idea of him hurting because of me..well partly because of me, others would say its not my fault.. i blame myself why he's hurting.. have i handled the situation well enough, have I consulted God, things must have turned differently.

i felt defeated. i wasn't able to handle my job well enough. my pride was getting in the way of things. i felt like a loser having to quit. i felt bad not being able to achieve a target, a goal. i hated myself for being weak...

i was crushed. i lost a battle with someone i'm not supposed to be fighting with. they're family. harsh words were thrown in my face and to the people i love and i blame myself for all of it. i hate myself. if again, i handled the situation well enough, none of these will happen.

then finally, I gave up... it was the time where no one can help me anymore.. except GOD. i realized how i was covering my ears all along with His words of comfort, wisdom and fogiveness...

i cried....i was so sorry... im ashamed... then im comforted...

and now i realized im starting all over again...

and i have to forgive myself too...

it was all too sad... and maybe God saw that and had to made me laugh too...

last thursday, i went with a friend in a church she's attending... before the service started, the worship leader encouraged everyone to shake hands and greet one another...i said hello to the people beside me...i got surprised when someone named f-----s shook my hand and introduced himself to me... my friend laughed.. because the guy only said hello to me and not to any of my seatmates... and of all the names.. haha! it was just maybe God is saying.. "anak, o.. tama na.. let him go.. let it all go..have fun.. " and i laughed... i laughed with a heart new and refreshed...

kapangalan... haha.. kapangalan.. natawa po ko dun God.. and i'll listen na po talga.. :)

Psalm 139:14 (New International Version)
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

yey!

salamat po kuya homebody hubby!!!

wohoo!! may award na may candle of friendship pa.. ayos!!



binibigyan ko din nito sila...

fjordz!
kookoo!!
at G. Lapis!!

learning the hard way

sometimes,

we think too much of the past that we forget about the present...
we live our lives so hard for a future full of uncertainties that we see less of what is happening at present.

we like the idea of some things so much that it hides that bitter reality of uncertaities and mistakes...

we only see things that we wanted to see... we blind ourselves to what displeases us.. i do that a lot lately...

and so..

for the nth time, i have to learn things the hard way.. again..

.. maybe you never were friends in the first place
...maybe you chose the wrong course in college
..maybe you trusted the wrong friend
...maybe you just have to accept things and move on..

yes, i'm learning things the hard way again...

almost there...

joy in my heart.. I've got joy.. j-o-y..

haha.. no i don't have joy but i'm getting there... thank God..

leting bygones be bygones is not easy but one "friend' did it.. how can i not..

so yesterday, before i went back to manila.. i met with some of my older friends..

as we discussed life over donuts and coffee... slowly, i felt the j-o-y creeping back in my heart again..

my friend said loving something and someone involves not only our feelings but our choice.. yes.. our choices play a big part our lives...

my choice.. your choice... when we decide impatiently.. we get bad reviews amd consequences.. but spometimes even if we think about it for the longest time.. we stil get bad eggs in the end..

so how do we make the right choiice..

i can imagine them again.. they all said.. "through God's wisdom.."

of course! yes. in Hima lone do we get the perfect answer to our every question...

and so... on my way back to the busy husstles and buzz of the city life.. i affirm in His promise of j-o-y in my heart...

oh yes..

and so i sing... in my own version!


I'll have joy down in my haert.. deep deep down in my heart..

jesus gives it to me.. and no one can destroy it... WHHHOOPS!

I'LL HAVE JOY DOWN IN MY HEART.. DEEP DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART!!!


hugs!!

ps..

to the man behind the smile.. if ever you stumble on this..

THANK YOU... cheers to the new chapters in our lives.. NEW chapters...

fear factor ... jezreel version.. hehe

nasubukan mo na bang matakot?

malamang oo...

ayon sa pinagaralan namin nung kolehiyo pa ko.. mahigit sa isang daan ang tinatawag na "phobia" ng madaming tao...

kagabi nanood ako ng "fear factor" at marami nga naman doon ay hahamon sa lakas na loob.. iniisip ko yuloy, saan ba ako natatkot?

bigla ako nakatanggap ng sms galing sa pinsan ko.. ayun! alam ko na kung ano kinatatakutan ko..

hehe.. di si pinsan o ang celphone.. ang weird pero natatakot ako sa "kamaganak' ko.. oo.. pag pinaguusapan ang pinsan, o aunti o uncle.. napapatahimik ako...

magisang anak lang ako.. naalala ko, nung nakaraang linggo, may nangyari sakin at pinagtanggol ako ni inay at itay... e sabi ko wag na nilang gawin.. ok lang ako.. (kahit di naman) oo, si "kamaganak" yun napagsama ng loob ko...

bata palang ako.. natatakot na ko sa mga yun.. para silang mga 'boss" sa kumpanya na dati kong pinagtratrabahuhan.. dapat ko din silang pagsilbihan... oo siguro onligasyon ko yun.. pinagsisilihan ko ang magulang kasi mahal ko sila at nararamdaman ko.. pero si aunti at uncle.. hay juice ko.. apple juice kalamnsi juice ko po!

pag sila naaalala ko.. madami akong naaalalang di kanais-nais na bagay.. grabee.. para bang matutulala ko tapos maalala ko din yun scene sa time zone.. tadadadadan... basta...

ayun yun pala siguro phobia ko... having contact with a relative.. lalo na uncles and aunties.. para bang kakainin nila ko kasi ng buhay kahit di naman..

ay.. at saka pala sa mga overpass na yun hagdanan butas butas.. medyo naiilang ako dumaan dun..


kahit na may mga "phobia' ako... ok alng naman.. wala naamng imposible kay God e.. aalisin nya yun..

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strenth.. ika nga sa bible..

kaya sige na.. bukas haharap na ko sa mga hurado na binunuo ng angkan ng aking ama.. aka aunties.. apol juice ko po.. nakakakakaba!!!!